What is marriage worth to you? Is it worth your entire life? All your finances?
I have met many married couples, some happy, some not but over the years have also witnessed the life of many being destroyed from a bad marriage and yet people continue to take the leap blindly not knowing much about their partner. Why?
I can’t speak for others, nor can I spend time trying to research the problems that make people believe that marriage is the solution but I can tall you about some of the issues that I’ve noticed people having and how they could be prevented.
The main reason marriages fail is because most people have not become themselves yet and are attempting to find themselves through their partners. In other words, high school kids that don’t know who they are, folks that have recently moved to a new country, etc. The reality is that marriage is about compatibility, not completion as many believe it to be. Its about two people being able to enjoy each other, not the fairy tale “complete each other.” Each person must be strong on their own legs first.
When people meet very early in any stage of their life, they tend to think they know who they are but in reality have not had any experience that has helped define who they will be. Life is about experience, and learning. The more you experience and learn, the more you make decisions about who you are, what you want and where you want to go. You cannot know that until you have experienced life for yourself, alone first.
Once you have defined who you are to yourself, you will know what you need in your life and what you don’t need, which then allows you to make a decision based on the true reality of life and not the early illusion you lived in then. Remember that when you are young, your ambitions, priorities and other views of life are limited to your immediate environment.
When you grow older and wiser, those ambitions are limited by you and only you and shouldn’t be influenced by your significant other, which in most cases would be if you were married. This takes me to my next point.
Marriage is about compromise at all times, you give some and you get some but it is rarely based on what you want but simply what you are willing to settle for. If you know what you want, then you will have met someone that shares a common vision and will find compatibility there, if not you will settle for what will make that person happy and you content but not 100%.
The marriage breaks off when the perception of the two people together changes and they no longer see happiness into what the other person is doing or has done. They lose their drive to make it work because they blame change. Either man or woman blame the other for changing into something they don’t like and then speak in the past and won’t let go of it. The reality is not that the person changed, but rather had not changed to who they really were yet, they had not defined their life for themselves when they said “yes” and yet believed they had, so today they changed in your eyes and to them they didn’t because it came naturally.
The idea of finding yourself is simpler than you think but usually requires patience and the understanding of your strengths and weaknesses in life.
Once you find yourself, then you will no longer feel insecure about who you will end up with, most people take the plunge quickly because they dont believe they can do better in life and they have found the best they will be able to get and therefore want to seal the deal, others are afraid to be alone in the quest for the perfect person and will also take the plunge asap or will settle for good, not great.
The last point I want to make is that life is full of surprises and change is a fact of life, it must be accepted and adapted to in order to grow but with the many insecurities that exist in this world and all the factors that can create change which can in fact destroy a marriage why take the chance to lose your life over this one decision, why not get a pre-nup to ensure that even if things don’t work, your growth and your partner’s growth are protected at the same level. Many will say trust plays a big part in this.
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May 3rd, 2009 at 11:49 am
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August 24th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I agree, I think a lot of marriages fail because of unrealistic expectations. A common mistake many people often have within any relationship – is that we think our partner is supposed to make us happy, but nobody else can make you happy long term! – you have to make yourself happy! – It’s a pretty tall order to expect that it’s someone else’s responsibility to make you happy. if both partners can become happy individually – you both bring out more happiness in each other!